Hi. I’m here. But stuck.

Normally, I’d have done a Wordless Wednesday post today. Something with itty bitty tree buds. Or sunny daffs on my kitchen sill. Hopeful things. Signs of spring. New life. Beginning.

But I’m not there.

I’m here.

Not just stuck in sadness for the 9-year-olds who were shot and killed in Nashville on Monday. Or for their parents. And siblings. (I woke on Tuesday unable to imagine how any of them would even get out of bed that morning.) (Or the next many mornings.)

I’m stuck on the fact that school shootings–the massacre of our children, who we send out into the world each day–have become Regular.

(They have.) (I think that’s inarguable.)

Lincoln and I were driving and talking on Tuesday. He’s 15. A thinker. A questioner. (Last night, right before bed, he popped in my room and asked if I think new souls come into being — and if so, how — OR if all the same souls just cycle through forever and ever. And how would that work with population growth?) He will argue (and argue) a point. He doesn’t wear rose-colored glasses, and he loves a little devil’s advocate. And yet. We were talking, in the car, about Nashville and Denver, and he asked — just so simply — “I don’t get it. Why can’t they do something about gun control?”

I hear you, Linc. I do. How much more can we fail you?

As hopeful as I want to be, it feels hope-less. (I feel badly saying that; I recognize so many who work tirelessly for change.)

But from an honest depth, I told him I don’t ask why anymore.

In our conversation — the longest we’ve had in a while without him checking his phone — I said I wonder if, since the collective We can’t agree on gun laws, can We and the We in Washington talk more about mental health? Let’s follow the shootings back to the source; could we make any headway there? He said they’d had a mental health presentation in class that day — coincidentally. “It wasn’t great…they never really are,” he said. “But it was something.”

Could that be a crack where the light might come in?

I know the best way to honor life, even life lost, is to live. I’m not asking anyone not to do that; we can’t all hole up or shut down every time something horrible happens. But once in a while, a particular kind of horrible happens, and I hole up. Shut down for a time. Maybe what I mean, instead of shut down, is I shift.

I get quiet(er). Angrier and gentler, simultaneously; more forgiving and less forgiving, too.

I am still awake to inspiration. Most recently by a legally blind 90-year-old woman in town who had a second corneal transplant yesterday in hopes of regaining some sight — though chances are slim.

Is that hope? Or what??

Thank you to her for that.

When I get stuck, putting my mind to paper (or post) is one way I start to get moving again — so thanks for bearing with me. I’ll see you on Saturday, the first of the month, with My One Word Prompt. (It feels like a timely one.) ‘Til then — xo

5 thoughts on “stuck

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  1. The fact that this keeps happening and no one will do anything about it certainly makes me hopeless. They say the problem is mental health, yet certain members of Congress will vote against measures aimed to provide more mental health services. They continue to point fingers at people just trying to live their lives but in a way they don’t approve of as the problem. The guns are the problem, but it’s also a much larger issue with what our society values — and values more than the right to live a life. I know our kids are seeing this, and as much as I don’t want to lay all my hopes on their generation, I think they are more likely to see some real change.


  2. Perhaps the simple change that needs to happen is to change the laws surrounding the ability to sue gun manufacturers. I think that alone will be the tipping point for change.

    With you… I am stuck, angry, with fading hope.


  3. Juliann and I talked about this very thing today (and Bruce Reyes-Chow’s MUCK post that she said she shared with you). after our conversation, I walked Lucy and listened to today’s episode of Pantsuit Politics. It was a great discussion and gave me some new things to think about ( … I love the soul conversation you and Linc had about souls. I hate what prompted it, but what a gift to be able to talk to each other at that level. hugs!


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